As Soon As Possible

Du Jour En Jour

For the last 2 months, whenever someone would come up to me and ask me how am I doing I would simply answer: "Du jour en jour."

If I were to say that I'm doing great, I would be flatly lying to them and to myself. If I were to say that I'm doing terrible I would be showing sign of weakness. Therefore I have decided to settle myself in finding the perfect medium when it came to expressing too little or too much of my feelings. They say some things are better left unsaid... in my case 'unposted'. Contrary to what you believe or see, I did not stop writing. In fact, i wrote every single day whether its a two line phrase or 10 pages worth of material. I got myself accustomed to write every morning and night about what were my thoughts at the moment. Some were dreary while others were self reflective and therapeutic. At the end, i felt like there's progression. The reason why I didn't feel like publishing my posts was because everything i wanted to say wasn't a mystery. I just felt like i had nothing new to offer. Even i at some point thought everything was redundant and over used. You really did not want to suffer as readers to read those posts. Another reason why I didn't feel like sharing my thoughts to the world was because I did not want an answer nor was i looking for one. I just wanted to send the vent out into the void. I know that I could have simply talked about it instead on confining my thoughts but you see I learned that every time people come up to you and say they've been through it all and they give you 'advice' - I discover that a lot of them only help out because it's their 'duty' as caring people to do so but none of them actually take into consideration your feelings. I can probably count on 5 fingers (and barely even) the number of people whom i truly believe to be truthful to me and that genuinely care.

Anyhow, I'm back from this hiatus and hopefully as time progress and as i continue to write in this little 4 year old (already!) blog of mine, I hope to reconnect with the person I used to be and that i'm able to accept the good and the bad that life has to offer.

Moment

I Thought I Knew

I thought I knew how it felt. I thought I had memorized the feeling of not being happy, of wanting more, of being ajar. I thought I had settled for this second skin; the acceptance that sometimes it just isn’t a choice. It is a luxury to be able to feel what you wish to feel, and more often than not, life cannot afford such ease.

The problem with being a dreamer, a writer, a poet, is not that they feel more than everyone else. It is that they cannot escape from it. All the pain, ache and explosions,- others can dismiss as merely a feeling that cannot be contained. But for us, there are endless words to describe the way we feel, to actualize the feeling, to give it existence, to gravitate them. The irresistible impulse to label everything, to get to the bottom of every unexplainable feeling is crippling. To live as a writer is non-apologetic. Everywhere that you try to escape to, is aesthetically numb. Even when you do not see what reminds you of it, words are running madness inside your head.

This is about existing within a world where love is not on my side. This is about struggling every day to stay afloat. This is about my greatest love story. I thought I knew how it felt. I had made a pact with myself that I have no other choice. But that doesn’t mean it makes it any easier to live with. Heartstrings are broken whenever I think to myself, we may be so right for each other, but there will never be a way to find out. So many things remind me of you that not a day goes by that I am able to be completely content. The problem with being a dreamer, is that I feel too much for my own good. When I think about us, I feel dismantled, familiar, damaged and every imaginable adjective in between. There is no other person as capable as you to destruct, love and forgive me. You may never understand it, but it is just a truth that I must live with.

The idea of being happy is extraordinary. Sometimes I dream of not feeling. Of just existing. Of not being physically able to hurt inside. I did not choose to be a person that feels too much, or someone that is compelled to write word after word after word. Every time I think I could be content, something thrusts me back into a higher feeling that I cannot control. I thought I knew how it felt, how everything is, how people are, but I cannot will my heart to think the same ever again.

Want & Resent

Excerpt

“Have you ever felt like dying because of having a broken heart?” I asked breaking the cold silence around us.

He turns and looks at me, both of his hands still on the steering wheel. He doesn’t say a word, but I can feel that he’s eager to know. Tension was building up.

“Then I’ll let you know. Not being able to sleep and not eating are just the basics. Sleeping but waking up becomes excruciating torture because you don’t know how to separate yourself from reality and from the person you loved. You can’t even tell anyone else because you’re too afraid that they’ll think badly of this person because deep down you know they did nothing wrong. And so, you cry all by yourself, for minutes, for hours. You’re trying to show yourself that there’s still something there even though you know it’s over.

From time to time faint memories of good times would pop up. Certain things will remind you of the love you both used to share. The more you try to erase these memories, the longer the days get. Its feel like you’re breaking up with this person all over again for the next 365 days.

But the thing that hurts the most is that you don’t think they’re even thinking about you. You’re alone and you’re going through this by yourself. That person has already forgotten about you, moved on and is now happy. You sometimes wish you were dead, but you don’t have the courage all because you’re scared –” I paused midway through my sentence and slowly turn to look at him.

His eyes extracted for a minute. His lips parted in surprise. Gradually, his face softened from resentment to something more apologetic. I knew he wasn't expecting to see the droplets of tears rolling down my cheeks.

“– I’m scared that I won’t be able to see you anymore and that you’re permanently gone from my existence.” I managed to say in a soft whisper.

Well Done

It's moment like this where I simply wish that life was not cruel and that it can give good people a second chance.

I would have to say I'm more in denial than anything right now because I still cannot believe at how fast everything happened. Learned about the news last month. Received a message at the beginning of the week. Got a phone call early this morning.

I shouldn't have taken the situation for granted. I should have taken minutes of my precious time to go see him and let him know that I was there. I should have been there to properly say goodbye and accept the upcoming grief. Even though I know my uncle is in a good place right now, I simply wish I could have spent more time with him while he was still here.

RIP pa um. I'm sorry and I miss you.

"For the benefit of all sentient beings which surpasses even the wishful-filling gem
May I hold them dear at all times." - Buddhist text

One Day

Undoubtedly one of the most intense books I’ve read in a while. I was expecting a heartfelt love story, and while I got that, I also got so much more: heartbreak, anxiety, familiarity, sadness, happiness, madness...and so many other things that I just couldn’t put it down, and when I did, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Even when I finished it, it ended on such a note that I carried the book with me for weeks just to go over my favourite parts whenever I wanted.

It left me with a knot in my stomach more than once, and there were times I just wanted to pull a "Joey Tribbiani" and put the book to rest in the freezer - to give me time to think and absorb what had just happened. I can’t imagine anyone reading this and not feeling like they know Emma Morley and Dexter Mayhew. At a certain point near the end I had to put it down and take a breath and leave it there for a couple of hours because I was so mad - and also because I wanted to not know the end for a little while (like I did with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I only read the Epilogue twelve hours after I had read the end because I wanted to drag it out for as long as I could).

After a while into the book you stop wishing for the end to come, when you will see the outcome of all the complications of the connections linking these two souls, and start hoping to see more of their friendship and how they are never on the same track but are always there for each other regardless, how their minds are so different but they can put ideas and controversies aside for the sake of their relationship (well, most of the time anyway). I was surprised by how real they felt to me and how they reminded me so much of myself. I feel like David Nicholls have written down my very own story and my future in this book. I'm not going to lie, I was scared. I may not be in the best state of mind with all the conflicting feelings that i have right now, but when I believe that my life, in some odd way, will turn exactly like in the book my gut feeling had never failed to prove me wrong.

There’s a quote from Tony Parsons, author of Man and Boy, on the back of the book that says, “The best weird love story since The Time Traveler’s Wife.” While I don’t think Emma and Dex’s story is as weird as Clare and Henry’s, I definitely agree that it is just as remarkable. I have made this book my bible for life.

----

And yes, for all you non-bookworm people the movie just came out in theater. Saw it. Did not hate it. Jim Sturgess was toohotforwords. I cried for a good 5 min because seeing the scenes on screen brought back so many memories. It highlighted major events from the book but I still strongly recommend that you should get a copy yourself and read. Hollywood always end up butchering novels anyway.

Blended Colours

"To You:

If you cannot piece together broken glass, why did you try to when he left? If you cannot continue to draw with a broken crayon, why did you try to when she left? If you had sworn your loyalty to me, why did you go and hold hands with the Devil? If you had sworn your heart to me, why did you eat from that box of chocolate? If you had sworn yourself to me, then why did you kiss that soul?

Now, I am picking up the shattered glass that had ravaged the floor. Now, I am trying to murder a blank piece of paper with the broken crayon. Now, I am reaching out for Devil to end my misery. Now, I am purging up all that chocolate I had eaten after you left.

But, I have no soul to kiss.

Because you took mine.

It is neither a fond or hated memory. Yet, on the good days, I don't remember. And on bad days, I do. I remember all of it in its entirety tightly pinned behind a picture frame permanently nailed to the walls of my mind. I should erase the pieces, but I choose to let it live inside because I will be able to play, replay, and pause those moments at my will."

I don't normally read the same book/stories twice but Solangel's classics on Soompi will always be one of those undying stories that I would read over and over again and still feel like it was the first time. Re-reading CBU and BP has a new different meaning to me now. It hits home.

Five Things: Reunion

[New 5inch beauties]

I think I managed to find a relatively good balance between work and fun this week. I got to spend another great weekend with my girlfriends; sunbathing in the Old Port, eating out in the village and chit-chatting over a good bottle of Sauvignon. Knowing that we won’t be able to see each other as often as soon as the semester starts (mind you in a few weeks), we all tried to enjoy each other’s company while we can. As for the redecoration going on at home, my parents are going through the color picking process for the rooms in the house. I just cannot wait till it’s all over and to finally see some results after hearing them bickering about it for the past month. I have another great weekend in store for me. It’s still summer afterall… :)

[Favorite shisha lounge/café in the city]

[Weird English at the asian grocery store; Favor Swallow?]

[Blueberry Boy Bait in the making]

[Very special package from Japan]

Chloé Fragrance Campaign 2011

Parisian fashion house Chloé will release their new ad campaign this coming fall for their signature fragrance Chloé. The campaign stars none other than Imogen Poots and Camille Rowe Pourcheresse who are by the way drop dead beautiful. The ad itself is nothing special or extravagant but that is what I love about Chloé. They always find a way to create something so simple, modest and beautiful that everything just seem effortless. I wonder if I can find that large bottle of perfume somewhere. I'll add it to my collection :)

자신에게도 축복받지 못한

I'm falling in love with Alex Chu all over again. His new album is simply wonderful...

He'll Complete Me

It's not like I won't find someone new, you know.

We both know it's not exactly a question about lack of choice. It's only a matter of time before I stumble across that person who will somehow make my world magic again. Just by looking at me he'll put a hundred different feelings in my body and my head will go completely blank when he smiles. My heart will skip a beat from the slightest sound of my phone, and everything I do when he's not around will be colored by his absence.

I will meet someone who doesn't have that need of playing games and instead of following all kinds of rules, simply follows his heart. Someone who makes me wanna look past all the times I've been hurt and feel like it's actually worth risking everything again. Someone who makes me wanna fight my fears of opening up so I can let him in, because the thought of him not knowing me completely is far worse than my fear of rejection.

He will sigh at my stupid jokes and the way I tend to forget stuff and mess everything up, but deep down he'll love it because love's not about accepting each others flaws, it's about loving them because they make us who we are. I will find somebody for whom I am prepared to show not just the strong, independent side of me that the rest of the world know, but also the insecurities that make me wake up in the middle in the night crying because I'm sick of hurting.

He will not give me my confidence back or make me love myself again. I have no need for a fairytale prince who lifts me up on his white horse and saves me. He will make me complete though, in a way no one has ever done before, and together we will get struck by love so hard that nothing will ever be the same again. You see, I know he's out there and I won't stop until I find him. Cause I deserve nothing less than to love someone who loves me back and this I know. So there's really no need for you to worry. He could be right around the corner when I walk out this door today.

The thing is, deep down with all my heart and with all i have, I want him to be you.

Five Things: Renew

[Amazing night out with the bff at Moomba]

This week was all about starting fresh. My parents are under the hype of redecorating the entire house thus dragging my poor soul to every furniture/decorating stores there is in the city. Knowing how they have picked the wrong person to go shopping with, we all end up agreeing on most of the furniture that we got. It was not easy though. In exchange of putting aside my expensive taste, my mother have (reluctantly) agreed to redecorate my entire bedroom (muahaha). It was an offer i could not say no to. Aside from all the decorating madness going on, my week was positively packed ever since i got back from vacay. Got to spend quality times with my amazing friends as well as enjoying the great weather in the city. My only complaint is the lack of sleep I've been getting due to nighttime being the only time of the day where brain actually goes through a process of deep thinking. But whatever. I’m really I looking forward to a much-needed restful weekend. My first weekend off from work in the longest time!

[White porcelain plateau for my perfume collection + new YSL La Parisienne]

[Mini bouquet arrangement of daisies and carnations]

[Homemade Ice latte - Watch'out Starbuck!]

[Waking up to her every morning]

Ai Mei

"I cannot bear the fact that we can't write out a happy ending."

Five Things - Chicago & Michigan

[The Chicago Theater]

A family reunion was due ever since my cousin announced her pregnancy back in October. I couldn’t be happier seeing everyone again during my week vacation in the US. Chicago reminded me a lot of New York, but definitely has a special thing of its own; I’ve never seen so many tall skyscrapers! As for good ‘old Michigan, it felt like home. Put aside the little drama with a certain evil step aunt, I have not had this much fun in a while. If there’s one thing I learned during this trip is that my cousins definitely bring out the good and bad in me whenever I’m with them (lamp post/ stripper pole haha). I already miss my beautiful niece and my big family. A week was not enough but I am looking forward to see everyone again when they’ll come to Montreal next year.

[Chipotle - Hands down, BEST BURRITO EVER]

[Sunset at Tunnel Park Beach, MI]

[Baby Amillia smiling in her sleep :*)]

[My new baby]

Glowing

My mom can be cooky at times, but when it comes to skin care that woman (and I hate to admit it) knows her stuff. For the longest time growing up I noticed how a lot of people would compliment my mother for her youthful complexion and having no stretch marks whatsoever after giving birth to three kids. One of the biggest stereotypes about Asian women (aside from the notion that we are meek, timid creatures who are 'apparently' wild in the bedroom) is that we never seem to age, or age at a much slower rate than the rest of the population. I used to laugh it off whenever I hear about it, but after paying a very close attention I couldn't agree more. When my mother was pregnant of my brothers and I she would make herself a turmeric and coconut milk paste that she used to apply everywhere on her tummy. Not only is turmeric an excellent source of anti-oxidant it can even out your skin tone and soften your skin making it glow and smooth. While I'll have to wait a few more years to try out her recipe I have decided to work on my own concoction. It's really easy to make and most of the ingredients can be found at home or a local grocery store.

Turmeric and Sugar Scrub

You need:
- 3 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil
- 2 tablespoon honey
- 1/2 cups granulated (or raw) sugar
- 1/2 tablespoon turmeric powder

Mix all the ingredients together and apply the scrub everywhere over your body. Leave it on a few minutes before showering. You don't need to apply body lotion after drying yourself because the olive oil will moisturize your skin. The turmeric can stain your skin a little bit, but it will blend nicely with your skin tone making you look tanned. Do this once every two weeks and I can guarantee that your skin will be smooth and you will glow :)

Letting Go

Chasing Nothing

It’s not that I think you’re not important when you don’t have anyone, because I don’t. I truly don’t. I believe you can never really know what you want in someone else until you know yourself – completely and wholly - when you only have yourself to rely on. I know far too many people who are in relationships of comfort – because they don’t want to be alone. And it’s sad, because they rely so much on this social institution for validation. I am proud to say I have dealt with loneliness, and I’m not afraid of it. I am not afraid of my independence and I am not afraid of my own company. I have become a strong, level-headed person because I have had such a long time to consider myself, my surroundings and my feelings with a clear head, one that is not muddled by the fog of a relationship and love. For these reasons I am glad it’s taken me this long to find someone, because I think when it happens, I’ll be able to handle it and make the most of it.

But fuck, sometimes I just get sick of being lonely. I get sick of having to rely on myself and my imagination for any kind of deeper mental or emotional stimulation. It’s getting to a point now where, I’ve had way too much time to think. My heart is forming cobwebs because the people I met, the experiences I’ve had so far, just aren’t cutting it. I think my imagination has had far too much time to become so specific in designing what my heart wants, I’m scared reality is just never going to compare. How can it? I never really gave it a chance. I’m torn between wanting only the best for myself and impatience. How much longer is it really going to take?

I feel like it’s impossible because I’ve made it impossible. I want magic. I want to feel such an intense pull towards someone it’s like our worlds just crashed into each other, changing them and me and everything I thought I knew. I want fireworks, and butterflies and magnetism, something tumultuous and huge and exciting and new. I want something to pull me out of myself and my head and my over-analysis and make me feel again, because I’ve forgotten. And I don’t think I can get it back on my own. But I’m scared I’m waiting out for a super unrealistic ideal that I’ve created for myself. I’m scared I’m chasing nothing. And every day it’s getting harder and harder to have faith in myself and everything I believe in.

Five Things - Summer

[Tanning outside on a beautiful day.]

With an extremely busy weekend coming its way, i'm already half way done packing for my week trip to Chicago. I'm more than excited to see my family again and even though its a short stay, a little gateway outside of Montreal is really needed. I'm in the process of slowly enjoying my summer since exams are over and i'm quite surprise that i find time to do all the things i wanted so far. I do have to say that advance meticulous planning makes everything better. Hopefully i can be as calm as i am right now when the semester start at the end of August.

[Bright summer lacquers from Essie: Mint Candy Apple, Haute as Hello, Cute as a Button]

[Summer read (and new favorite book): One Day by David Nicholls]

[Special delivery from Vancouver BC. Thank you Rosalind xoxo]

[Coral ethnic pattern maxi skirt/dress from Olivia]

Blueberry Boy Bait

I literally grew up in the kitchen. At the tender age of 3 I was already going through the cupboards, pulling out bowls and random dry ingredients because I was imitating whatever my mom was doing. Little did I know I’d find myself being able to understand the mechanism of chopping and stir-frying; it soon became a passion of mine. Nothing makes me happier than to be able to cook for friends and family. It’s weird, but it’s the one skill that I have which I’m not afraid to show off and be confident about it. Till this day I’m grateful that my mother had given me her talent.

After spotting this recipe on one of my favourite food blog, Smitten Kitchen, I couldn’t resist sharing. It’s pretty easy to understand why. Rumour has it, this treat was blessed with its great name back in 1954 when a young girl stole the show in a junior Pillsbury Bake-Off after announcing her treat was named for the effect it had on boys (aww)

You’d think Boy Bait would consist of a top sirloin, gravy and some seriously creamy mashed potatoes—but you would be wrong. After putting this recipe to the test, I was pleasantly surprised to find the name yielded said results. It’s buttery and rich. And it was consumed in just a few sittings by the men in my household. I have yet to test these out and see what my friends think but I’m not surprised that this Blueberry Boy Bait is a certified crowd pleaser.

Recipe is found here. Enjoy!