White Flag

"I'm the only one who's capable of filling in your emptiness at the moment. And you know it."

Sadly, i do. I'm stubborn and i often deny anything that reminds me of what the truth really is, but this time i have raised my white flag and silently admitted defeat. Having someone who has known you for such a long time reciting those lines, you just can't lie to yourself anymore. The worst of it all, i have a feeling that anyone who has acknowledge my problems seems to have no guilt whatsoever in their contentment and they mockingly enjoys seeing me sink. But i don't blame them. I would have probably done the same. I'm laughing it off. It's time to cleanse myself and to focus on some more important things right now. Je tourne la page. Carpe diem like Mr. Keating would say. I may be crippled at the moment, but i'm not far from letting it go either.

:)

Synopsis

- Liking my classes so far. Feels good to be a full timer again.
- Have a feeling i'm not going to get along with this asian chick in my classes.
- Scored two interviews this week. Hoping *fingerscrossed* i'd get a job at the 2nd place.
- Finance has been the source of my annoyance and migraine this week.
- On-demand. Slowly breaking out of my shell.
- Been feeling particularly empty, impatient and irritated these past few days.
- NYFW, thus far, was the only things that made me genuinely happy.
- Birthday party is already under some major planning.

Marc Jacobs S/S 2011

Captain Oats + Princess Sparkle

The OC was probably the highlight of my teen years. Every friday, my friends and i would gather around our lunch table, talking and breaking down every details of the episode that aired the night before and of course, gushing over Seth Cohen. We used to also idolizeobsessworship Summer because the girl was hella pretty, had the most amazing fashion sense AND had fish-sex with the hottest fictional dork on the face of the earth! Need i say more? :P Seth and Summer were match made in heaven. Being all nostalgic...let's reminisce and remember one of tv's most memorable couple.

SETH: The point is, that guy doesn’t know, he doesn’t care about who you really are. In fact, he has no idea that every day of 3rd grade, you shared your lunch with that little, skinny squirrel that kept getting his nuts stolen by that fat squirrel.
SUMMER: I hated that mean squirrel!
SETH: And none of those guys were there when you had to read your poem aloud in class and your hand was shaking because you were nervous and you cared what the other kids thought.
SUMMER: Poem? What poem?
SETH: “I… wish I was a mermaid.”
SUMMER: You remember that? That was, like, sixth grade.
SETH: “I… wish I was a mermaid and… was friends with all the fish, a shiny tail and sea shells I- [Summer kisses him] I w-wish.”

SETH: Everything okay?
SUMMER: Yeah. It’s just the holidays can be hard, you know?
SETH: Yeah. Can I help?
SUMMER: You already have.

SUMMER: I mean, you want me to come with you, right?
SETH: Do I want you to come with me? Summer, you’re my little snow angel.

For me, it’s always been you, Summer. It’s always been you. I’ve tried to fight it and I’ve tried to deny it and I can’t, I can’t do it. You’re undeniable.

NYFW

The tents. Bryant Park. New York Fashion Week. One of the most anticipated events in the fashion world, and it is finally here (!!!) It's only Day 3 and my inbox is filled with the latest whereabouts and shows around the city. I usually don't spazz as much when it comes to shows in places like Paris or Milan, but the one thing that i love about New York is that it's local...almost like home. Every aspect of what i call "the city" is seen throughout the creations of the designers: crude, cutting-edge, liberal and structure. It's like they know what the north american clientele are looking for and they respond amazingly to our demands, some of them even surprises us as well. Only New York based fashion designers possess this knowledge.

Alexander Wang, Derek Lam, Jason Wu, Rag&Bone, Prabal Gurung and Zac Posen were amongst my favorites these past few days. I am really looking forward to see Badgley & Mischka, Diane Von Furstenberg, Narciso Rodriguez, Thakoon and of course, Marc Jacobs :) Spring 2011 are in good hands so far!

Chapter Twenty Four

DongMin's eyes extracted for a minute. His lips parted in surprise. Slowly, his face softened from the anger to something more like apologetic. I knew he wasn't expecting me to cry, but he had done it. For the first time ever, in a really long time, DongMin had managed to make me sincerely cry in front of him. I hated myself for allowing him to see me this way, but there was no other way I would have it. This was the only way I could remind him that I was Kim SuVy, a girl, his best-friend nonetheless - but still a girl - a girl in her own right to have such emotions, after a boy that she liked, was hurting her.

I felt DongMin's hands ease off their grip on me.

"Why can't it just be easy? If you like someone, you tell them. If you don't like someone, you tell them. If you want to be with someone, be with them. If you don't want to be with someone, don't be with them! Why does it have to be so complicated? Isn't love, or something like it, between just two people? You say you like me, you say you want to be with me, so why do you include all these other people around us?! Isn't this, whatever it is, just between us?! Why can't we just -" I lost my words at the crack of my voice. Reaching out, I pushed his arms completely away from me. Turning to face the elevator doors, frantically thinking of how I was going to get away from DongMin as fast as possible, I almost didn't hear him as I pressed the emergency button again.

"God Vy." The words uttered from DongMin sounded like the wind was knocked out of him. Nonetheless, I felt his arms slip around my waist and hold me back. I felt the warmth of his chest against my back as he hugged me backwards.

"What are you doing?" I asked him firmly, refusing to be weak just because I was crying.

"Do you have any fcuken idea we are going to change - we are going to change forever if we're more than friends?"

"I don't want to talk about this right now."

"Vy - I did a lot of thinking when I was away," DongMin confessed.

"Oh, surprise," I said sarcastically.

DongMin ignored my comment. "If I could, I would go back to all those times when I was with you. And at some time during those times, I would've told you at least once how much I liked you. We - our friendship is a curse Vy." DongMin had no idea how his words were just sending daggers into my heart.

"What are you so afraid of?!" I breathed through gritted teeth.

"Of - losing you as my best friend. Because I don't think I can be both to you. I can't be a good boyfriend and a good best friend. What - what would happen if we broke up? I would lose my girlfriend and my best friend." DongMin's words, and their reality, came crashing on top of me at 1,000 mph.

His hands slipped, letting me go. I was so numbed from his words, I hadn't the slightest idea what I was doing when I turned around to face him. Staring into the face that I've recognized for so long, in the last 13 years, I could make out every curve on his face and the light in his eyes. "You're so afraid of the outcome, you don't want to take the risk."

DongMin stared back at me for the longest time. "If I'm going to lose you - I, I'd rather it be to Dragon. But that doesn't make me any less angry SuVy."

"So is that what you want DongMin? Me to date Dragon?"
"..."
"Because I'm not going to wait for you anymore. I'm not going to end up 80 and alone - you know that right?"
"..."

"We never worked out because we never tried. We just went on assuming we're only good as best friends. The attraction was there, we just never activated it," I told him, wanting him to see.

"You're saying that like we're a micro-chip or something," he replied.

"Weren't we?" I raised an eyebrow.

DongMin paused. "Am I going to lose you?"

"Forever. This is the last time I'm going to agonize about us anymore DongMin. I'm tired and I'm over it. Unless you say something to convince me, today is the last day I'm going to cry about us. No more chances DongMin. Chances are for sillies who think fools like you will change," I said. "I'm so ready to move on from this, but you're not."

For a while there was nothing but silence that surrounded us.

----------------

I was introduced to Banana Pancakes by Solangel three years ago. Like anyone who have read the story, we all got attached to the characters: we laughed with them, cried with them and smiled at what seemed to be a one of a kind friendship/relationship. Fast forward to three years today, i was re-reading the story last night and when i got to chapter twenty four, it had my name written all over it. Coincidence? I'm not sure. But this is exactly how i feel at the moment. Word by word. I also wish for things to be simple, whether the outcome is good or bad because while my broken heart is easy to mend, it's a lot harder not having that person in my life anymore...

And for those who are curious, Banana Pancakes does not have a happy ending.

©Solangel. Disclaimer: I do not own the story. This belong to its rightful owner. Copyright Infringement is never intended.

The simple things

In some odd ways, i find that we all tend to accept the insignificant things that bother us than it is to take notice of the special little moments in our daily lives. I greatly accept with defeat as i am one to acknowledge this fact. It may be a surprise to some as i do not show it as much, but i am proud to say that i pay more attention to the simple things that make me smile. I've narrowed it down to a list of top ten.

1. When people thank me after offering my seat in the bus.

2. When i find the perfect pair of shoes and the perfect accessories to go with my perfect outfit.

3. When i'd always find a place to be whenever i'm not feeling well.

4. When i find money in places i had forgotten about.

5. When i'm done baking or cooking and the kitchen smells the result of my great efforts.

6. When my mom tries to speak french/english to me.

7. When the light first dim at the beginning of a movie.

8. When he calls saying that he's in front of the house.

9. When i climb under covers that have been freshly washed.

10. When i take my first spoonful of strawberry ice cream right out of the carton.

What are the simple things that makes you happy? :)

Kelly Cutrone

I love this woman.