Monday, July 29, 2013

The Fight for Love



I was on the phone with a friend the other day trying to determine the intent behind a text message that simply read, “cool.” A few days prior she had had a few glasses of wine and, against her better judgment, told someone she was seeing via text message that she really likes him. “Cool” was his response, and it was driving her insane.
She couldn’t for the life of her decipher whether “cool” had a positive or negative connotation. For a good half-hour we debated: Is it loving or nonchalant? To the point or a little too passive? I pointed out that the real problem was that “cool” wasn’t punctuated; there was no period or exclamation mark or ellipsis, just the naked word sitting there on her phone taunting her with its ambiguity.
It’s hard to watch your friends in times like that, mainly because we’ve all been there before—head over feet, self-compromisingly “in love” with someone who just isn’t giving you enough. Still, you keep pushing forward.What’s most tragic about this situation is that my friend is, in most cases, a composed, level-headed fountain of wisdom and insight. And yet, for some reason, this one word was the snag that unravelled the whole sweater.
Somewhere, some time ago, someone told us that we need to fight for our relationships. That genius,  much like my friend’s “cool” maybe-boyfriend, needed to be a bit more specific about what that implies, because it’s under that ideology that I think a lot of us end up making our biggest mistakes— we lose sight of what we’re actually fighting for.
I often liken my love life to the pathetic fallacy found in a Bronte novel: a long and winding road tented by storm clouds and rain. Kidding. But give me a few more years and we’ll revisit that analogy. I can say that it hasn’t been easy, though. And that’s primarily because I often confuse “fighting for it” with fighting for a person. Therein lies the misconception: To fight for a relationship should involve both parties actively trying to make it work. So often, however, the fight is one-sided, with someone struggling to hold on to a person instead of a relationship. And once you’ve started down that path, it’s hard to find the perspective to evaluate your actions with a clear head and an open mind.
It also doesn’t help that I have a friend who is the exception to the rule, the one person who fought for someone and won. The problem is that stories like hers happen to one in a million, so while I’m undeniably inspired by it, I also can’t help but resent them for statistically screwing over the rest of us.
The reality is, for the most part, if you’re fighting that hard and not seeing any real, tangible results, you’re fighting a losing battle. And not to sound all self-help book-y about it, but we’re better than that.That’s why, when we find ourselves hunched over a cellphone trying to solve that all too familiar text puzzle, we should really be spending that time trying to decide whether that text is even worth the analysis in the first place. From my experience, it’s not. Rarely is.
That’s not to say that we shouldn’t try; some people need winning over. Still there’s a fine line between indulging in the thrill of the chase and putting ourselves second for someone else. The line is chickenwire thin, but at least if we’re aware of it we may step more cautiously. It’s at that point that we’re able to glance down at our buzzing cellphones, read some ambiguously nondescript text message and have the clarity and self-assuredness to casually respond, “cool.”

Sunday, July 21, 2013

What You Learn After Your First Heartbreak



2AM -- There are some who are dreaming of a beautiful world better than reality and there are some who are partying their life away like it's the end of the world. For me, this is the time where I do my best thinking and when I feel extremely nostalgic. In the past I have often asked questions that led to no answers. But as the saying goes: "Things happen for a reason." Those so-called things became life lessons that I now hold dear.  

After your first heartbreak you learn not to assume things. You learn not to assume that the day you spent together in bed and took photos of each other against that white wall was important to both of you. In reality, only one of you will ever care about that day. Only one of you will flinch when you see the white wall again. The other person will forget it ever happened. You’ll have to remind them, months or even years later when you meet for coffee, about the pictures and you’ll feel so stupid for holding it so dear. Why do you have to be the one who remembers that day? You assumed that your memories would be the same. You didn't know that one gets to forget and the other has to remember.

You learn that the person who once protected you from all harm could one day become the harm. They could become the thing they spent so much time shielding you from. That’s how it always seems to work though, doesn't it? We give people power over our lives, we let them dictate the rhythms, and then we act surprised when there’s scratches.

You learn about the cruelty of time, the cruelty of fickleness. You learn that it’s possible for the person who knew you the best to eventually know nothing at all. You counted on them always knowing. You took solace in someone keeping score. But reliance is the first thing to go in a break up. You lose the right to call someone. You lose the right to ask how they’re doing. Imagine that. One day you had a VIP pass to their life and the next, you’re shut out completely. They’ll tell their grandma more things than they’d tell you.

You learn how bad heartbreak can hurt. All of a sudden you’ll be relating to sad love songs and feeling like such a chump. You listened to them before but never quite understood why they had so much resonance with people. Then you realized that it’s strictly for people who’ve dealt with the loss of love. To get the full effect of an Adele song, someone has to take an emotional dump on your face. Otherwise you’ll just be like “Gee, this lady sure sounds sad!

You’ll learn terrifying things about yourself. Most notably, the fact that heartbreak will turn you insane and obsessive. It makes you irrational and cripplingly nostalgic.  (Your friends will even get fed up with you for a bit because you’re so cray cray.)  There’s no real way to fix a broken heart other than time and sleeping with the next person you could potentially love. It takes someone’s else dick to get over the last one. 

Most importantly, you’ll learn that it will all be okay in the end. Just like time killed your relationship, it will also be the thing that repairs you. Eventually enough time will pass that you’ll have nothing left to mourn. You’ll develop Swiss cheese holes in your memory about the relationship. All you’ll recall are occasional flashes of happiness and feel grateful for it. You understand that this is just how life works. You fall in and out of love with people until you land somewhere that makes sense. You’ve learned a new secret about life and people. You get it now.

It’s bitter to know. It’s better to know.

(photo credit: Marlène G)