Sunday, September 19, 2010

On-Demand


I remember back then, I was one of those who would spend their Saturday nights at home, watching over-the-top cheesy romantic comedies, eating ice cream in my pjs and day dream about my knight in shinning armor. I was that girl. That girl who looked for love. Not the far-fetched, Korean drama, fairytale kind of love (although i am a dreamer). I looked for the kind of love that would make you smile at the slightest mention of his/her name; the kind of love that gets the best out of you because to his/her eyes, you're special. The kind of love that is real and time consuming. That kind of love. Sadly, i have not encountered that yet. All i got, in the past, from the guys that i was interested in was "I like you...but as a friend." Til this day, that line is like acid to me. Ok, I don't want to sound like i'm bragging, but i think i'm the epitome of the "perfect girlfriend" (please do not burst my bubble, thankyouverymuch!). Seriously, dudes out there would be hella lucky to have me in their life. Down to earth, loving, patient, smart, understanding, knows how to cook and to please the parents...I mean, what more can you ask for?! -sigh- Anyways, that is not my point. My point is, lately, I have tried to focus on some more important issues in my life. Putting aside the unnecessary stuff and start a cleansing process...but that took a surprising turn. I learned that things just happens when you least expect it and they ALL come at the same time. It's hard to describe, so i'd rather present to you the individuals per say.

Exhibit A: The musician
I met him in one of my evening classes last year. We didn't really talk the first semester. All i remember is that he stood out of all the people there because he had a particular style; sort of like Zac Efron meets Kurt Cobain. Quite frankly, you would get the impression that he's dumb because of the way he looks...WRONG! He was the straight A student in that class and the guy spits poetry outta his mouth every time he talks. I was dumbfounded and even more surprised to see him in one of my classes again the following semester. This time, I sat behind him in that class. We started talking when we were paired for a team assignment and since that day, we bonded really well. We had a lot in common; from music to political p.o.v. I was enlighten by his way of thinking and every conversations we had was pleasant. We exchanged numbers and we would sms from time to time. I even went to one of his gigs, a few weeks before i left on vacation.

Exhibit B: The friend of a friend
A friend of ours introduced us two years ago, at my birthday party. My first impression of him was nice and he was a gentleman. That night, after one of my friend ended drinking too much, Mr. X decided to offer him and I a ride home since we lived in the same area. I hesitated at first because I've just met the guy, but I went along with my good judgement and I agreed. Ever since that night, we've always kept in touch online via fb, msn, etc. I never saw him again up until recently. I would have to say it was the most random meeting I've ever had, but I had a great time that day. He's been sms'ing quite often lately too.

Exhibit C: The high school jock
During my first week of class, i ran into an old "friend". Actually he was my high school senior and everyone knew him back then. I couldn't really say the least: he was one of the star basketball player and a big jock. I didn't think he would recognize me at first, but he surprised me he called out my name. The first thing he said to me was "Damn girl, you look fine!". To be honest, i don't know if i should be flattered or insulted by that comment. Nonetheless, i was happy to see him again. We would run into each other from time to time in between classes now and we would regularly talk.

I find it great and overwelming that the guys have shown some sort of interest. I mean, for the first time when i'm not looking, there comes all of them at once. The only problem is, I'm not quite used to this yet. I don't know how to respond to it.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

White Flag

"I'm the only one who's capable of filling in your emptiness at the moment. And you know it."

Sadly, i do. I'm stubborn and i often deny anything that reminds me of what the truth really is, but this time i have raised my white flag and silently admitted defeat. Having someone who has known you for such a long time reciting those lines, you just can't lie to yourself anymore. The worst of it all, i have a feeling that anyone who has acknowledge my problems seems to have no guilt whatsoever in their contentment and they mockingly enjoys seeing me sink. But i don't blame them. I would have probably done the same. I'm laughing it off. It's time to cleanse myself and to focus on some more important things right now. Je tourne la page. Carpe diem like Mr. Keating would say. I may be crippled at the moment, but i'm not far from letting it go either.
:)

Friday, September 17, 2010

Synopsis

- Liking my classes so far. Feels good to be a full timer again.
- Have a feeling i'm not going to get along with this asian chick in my classes.
- Scored two interviews this week. Hoping *fingerscrossed* i'd get a job at the 2nd place.
- Finance has been the source of my annoyance and migraine this week.
- On-demand. Slowly breaking out of my shell.
- Been feeling particularly empty, impatient and irritated these past few days.
- NYFW, thus far, was the only things that made me genuinely happy.

- Birthday party is already under some major planning.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Captain Oats + Princess Sparkle

The OC was probably the highlight of my teen years. Every friday, my friends and i would gather around our lunch table, talking and breaking down every details of the episode that aired the night before and of course, gushing over Seth Cohen. We used to also idolizeobsessworship Summer because the girl was hella pretty, had the most amazing fashion sense AND had fish-sex with the hottest fictional dork on the face of the earth! Need i say more? :P Seth and Summer were match made in heaven. Being all nostalgic...let's reminisce and remember one of tv's most memorable couple.

SETH: The point is, that guy doesn’t know, he doesn’t care about who you really are. In fact, he has no idea that every day of 3rd grade, you shared your lunch with that little, skinny squirrel that kept getting his nuts stolen by that fat squirrel.
SUMMER: I hated that mean squirrel!
SETH: And none of those guys were there when you had to read your poem aloud in class and your hand was shaking because you were nervous and you cared what the other kids thought.
SUMMER: Poem? What poem?
SETH: “I… wish I was a mermaid.”
SUMMER: You remember that? That was, like, sixth grade.
SETH: “I… wish I was a mermaid and… was friends with all the fish, a shiny tail and sea shells I- [Summer kisses him] I w-wish.”



SETH: Everything okay?
SUMMER: Yeah. It’s just the holidays can be hard, you know?
SETH: Yeah. Can I help?
SUMMER: You already have.



SUMMER: I mean, you want me to come with you, right?
SETH: Do I want you to come with me? Summer, you’re my little snow angel.


For me, it’s always been you, Summer. It’s always been you. I’ve tried to fight it and I’ve tried to deny it and I can’t, I can’t do it. You’re undeniable.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

NYFW

The tents. Bryant Park. New York Fashion Week. One of the most anticipated events in the fashion world, and it is finally here (!!!) It's only Day 3 and my inbox is filled with the latest whereabouts and shows around the city. I usually don't spazz as much when it comes to shows in places like Paris or Milan, but the one thing that i love about New York is that it's local...almost like home. Every aspect of what i call "the city" is seen throughout the creations of the designers: crude, cutting-edge, liberal and structure. It's like they know what the north american clientele are looking for and they respond amazingly to our demands, some of them even surprises us as well. Only New York based fashion designers possess this knowledge.

Alexander Wang, Derek Lam, Jason Wu, Rag&Bone, Prabal Gurung and Zac Posen were amongst my favorites these past few days. I am really looking forward to see Badgley & Mischka, Diane Von Furstenberg, Narciso Rodriguez, Thakoon and of course, Marc Jacobs :) Spring 2011 are in good hands so far!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Chapter Twenty Four

DongMin's eyes extracted for a minute. His lips parted in surprise. Slowly, his face softened from the anger to something more like apologetic. I knew he wasn't expecting me to cry, but he had done it. For the first time ever, in a really long time, DongMin had managed to make me sincerely cry in front of him. I hated myself for allowing him to see me this way, but there was no other way I would have it. This was the only way I could remind him that I was Kim SuVy, a girl, his best-friend nonetheless - but still a girl - a girl in her own right to have such emotions, after a boy that she liked, was hurting her.

I felt DongMin's hands ease off their grip on me.

"Why can't it just be easy? If you like someone, you tell them. If you don't like someone, you tell them. If you want to be with someone, be with them. If you don't want to be with someone, don't be with them! Why does it have to be so complicated? Isn't love, or something like it, between just two people? You say you like me, you say you want to be with me, so why do you include all these other people around us?! Isn't this, whatever it is, just between us?! Why can't we just -" I lost my words at the crack of my voice. Reaching out, I pushed his arms completely away from me. Turning to face the elevator doors, frantically thinking of how I was going to get away from DongMin as fast as possible, I almost didn't hear him as I pressed the emergency button again.

"God Vy." The words uttered from DongMin sounded like the wind was knocked out of him. Nonetheless, I felt his arms slip around my waist and hold me back. I felt the warmth of his chest against my back as he hugged me backwards.

"What are you doing?" I asked him firmly, refusing to be weak just because I was crying.

"Do you have any fcuken idea we are going to change - we are going to change forever if we're more than friends?"

"I don't want to talk about this right now."

"Vy - I did a lot of thinking when I was away," DongMin confessed.

"Oh, surprise," I said sarcastically.

DongMin ignored my comment. "If I could, I would go back to all those times when I was with you. And at some time during those times, I would've told you at least once how much I liked you. We - our friendship is a curse Vy." DongMin had no idea how his words were just sending daggers into my heart.

"What are you so afraid of?!" I breathed through gritted teeth.

"Of - losing you as my best friend. Because I don't think I can be both to you. I can't be a good boyfriend and a good best friend. What - what would happen if we broke up? I would lose my girlfriend and my best friend." DongMin's words, and their reality, came crashing on top of me at 1,000 mph.

His hands slipped, letting me go. I was so numbed from his words, I hadn't the slightest idea what I was doing when I turned around to face him. Staring into the face that I've recognized for so long, in the last 13 years, I could make out every curve on his face and the light in his eyes. "You're so afraid of the outcome, you don't want to take the risk."

DongMin stared back at me for the longest time. "If I'm going to lose you - I, I'd rather it be to Dragon. But that doesn't make me any less angry SuVy."

"So is that what you want DongMin? Me to date Dragon?"
"..."
"Because I'm not going to wait for you anymore. I'm not going to end up 80 and alone - you know that right?"
"..."

"We never worked out because we never tried. We just went on assuming we're only good as best friends. The attraction was there, we just never activated it," I told him, wanting him to see.

"You're saying that like we're a micro-chip or something," he replied.

"Weren't we?" I raised an eyebrow.

DongMin paused. "Am I going to lose you?"

"Forever. This is the last time I'm going to agonize about us anymore DongMin. I'm tired and I'm over it. Unless you say something to convince me, today is the last day I'm going to cry about us. No more chances DongMin. Chances are for sillies who think fools like you will change," I said. "I'm so ready to move on from this, but you're not."

For a while there was nothing but silence that surrounded us.

----------------

I was introduced to Banana Pancakes by Solangel three years ago. Like anyone who have read the story, we all got attached to the characters: we laughed with them, cried with them and smiled at what seemed to be a one of a kind friendship/relationship. Fast forward to three years today, i was re-reading the story last night and when i got to chapter twenty four, it had my name written all over it. Coincidence? I'm not sure. But this is exactly how i feel at the moment. Word by word. I also wish for things to be simple, whether the outcome is good or bad because while my broken heart is easy to mend, it's a lot harder not having that person in my life anymore...

And for those who are curious, Banana Pancakes does not have a happy ending.

©Solangel. Disclaimer: I do not own the story. This belong to its rightful owner. Copyright Infringement is never intended.