"You're doing it again," my friend T whispered to me one night, not long ago. "Doing what?" I asked her, feigning innocence. We were at a cocktail with a group of people I have not seen since high school, one of whom had done me wrong years earlier. And to avoid talking or even making eye contact with this person, I have situated myself as far away from her as I possibly could. "Fredo-ing," T hissed. "Look, do you remember the sequel to The Godfather? Michael Corleone decides he won't have anything to do with his brother Fredo because Fredo has betrayed him. And that's exactly the same thing you do when someone hurts your feelings. You Fredo them."
T must have given the most ridiculous example in describing my behavior that night, but what could I say? She was right. When Michael Corleone snarled, "I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart...you broke my heart." I understood his pain. For many years, like the Godfather himself, I tendered beefs with all sorts of people (believe it or not). Let bygones be bygones, the saying goes. But letting go of a grievance you've held for months - or even years - is anything but easy. I always find myself having a hard time dealing with those who have let me down. Not only did I care, but I have entrusted them my heart. There are some days when I asked myself whether I was giving too much to the wrong people? I always find myself getting constantly disappointed. Severing a long-standing friendship, no matter the cause, always filled me with sadness. But somehow I couldn't bring myself to forgive readily. Instead I Fredo'd, pretending the person had never been important to me, pretending not to hurt and be "ok".
But lately I realized the more I shun people, the more distant I become from those around me and the more I have changed. Do you ever feel you've become the worst version of yourself? That a Pandora's box of all the secret, hateful parts - you arrogance, you spite, your condescension - has sprung open? Someone upsets you and instead of moving on, you zing them? I know I shouldn't let an incident define the person that I am, but when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitable follows and the feeling sucks just as much as holding a grudge against someone.
When I heard the person seek out for me after the first round of hors d'oeuvre, I swallowed my pride and walked up to her to say hi. Despite my pledge to leave behind old animosities, I admit that my initial impulse was to politely accept and continue to Fredo her for the rest of our lives. But my second impulse was to take a very deep breath, grab my glass of wine and really listen to what she had to say. To my surprise the first thing she said to me was that she was sorry for everything that have happened. While she quietly spoke, I analyzed her tone and the way she expressed herself. Her words somehow seemed sincere and endearing. And then it dawned on me; there was a reason why I considered her my friend back in high school. I was faced with the universal truth that all human beings make mistakes. She was a great person who made a stupid mistake and I can't blame her for that.
The brief conversation turned out to be a very pleasant one. If it wasn't for my realization that I can be a happier person if I learn to face my fears and to forgive, I would have probably created a monster out of myself and unintentionally hurt those who did nothing to me. As of now I know I still have very long way to go to until I completely, whole heartily forgive those who have hurt me. Time will be able to do that...I am sure of it.
T must have given the most ridiculous example in describing my behavior that night, but what could I say? She was right. When Michael Corleone snarled, "I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart...you broke my heart." I understood his pain. For many years, like the Godfather himself, I tendered beefs with all sorts of people (believe it or not). Let bygones be bygones, the saying goes. But letting go of a grievance you've held for months - or even years - is anything but easy. I always find myself having a hard time dealing with those who have let me down. Not only did I care, but I have entrusted them my heart. There are some days when I asked myself whether I was giving too much to the wrong people? I always find myself getting constantly disappointed. Severing a long-standing friendship, no matter the cause, always filled me with sadness. But somehow I couldn't bring myself to forgive readily. Instead I Fredo'd, pretending the person had never been important to me, pretending not to hurt and be "ok".
But lately I realized the more I shun people, the more distant I become from those around me and the more I have changed. Do you ever feel you've become the worst version of yourself? That a Pandora's box of all the secret, hateful parts - you arrogance, you spite, your condescension - has sprung open? Someone upsets you and instead of moving on, you zing them? I know I shouldn't let an incident define the person that I am, but when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitable follows and the feeling sucks just as much as holding a grudge against someone.
When I heard the person seek out for me after the first round of hors d'oeuvre, I swallowed my pride and walked up to her to say hi. Despite my pledge to leave behind old animosities, I admit that my initial impulse was to politely accept and continue to Fredo her for the rest of our lives. But my second impulse was to take a very deep breath, grab my glass of wine and really listen to what she had to say. To my surprise the first thing she said to me was that she was sorry for everything that have happened. While she quietly spoke, I analyzed her tone and the way she expressed herself. Her words somehow seemed sincere and endearing. And then it dawned on me; there was a reason why I considered her my friend back in high school. I was faced with the universal truth that all human beings make mistakes. She was a great person who made a stupid mistake and I can't blame her for that.
The brief conversation turned out to be a very pleasant one. If it wasn't for my realization that I can be a happier person if I learn to face my fears and to forgive, I would have probably created a monster out of myself and unintentionally hurt those who did nothing to me. As of now I know I still have very long way to go to until I completely, whole heartily forgive those who have hurt me. Time will be able to do that...I am sure of it.
No comments:
Post a Comment